A Journey of Faith

This post is long overdue, I know. The last six or so weeks at our house has been nothing short of crazy. Between getting our travel dates just before our long-planned family trip to the East Coast to spend time with Tim's family, and drama with getting passports and visas squared away, to almost calling off the trip overseas and delaying it due to health concerns that ultimately resulted in me having major surgery last week....ya it's been a little crazy here.

It has been a very stretching time as we have felt overwhelmed and been tested to the limits of our emotions, our faith and of our physical abilities at times. But God has been with us all the way and continues to prove Himself faithful. And we press on in obedience to the one who calls us His own.

Sometimes when we are walking in obedience to Christ, the journey of our faith takes unexpected turns and we end up places where we never dreamed possible. Sometimes these turns bring unspeakable joy and beauty. Sometimes they bring anguish and pain. Sometimes the same twist in the journey brings both.

This is exactly where we find ourselves right now. As we have sought after God and followed His leading, He has been faithful and has brought is along to just where He wants us and has made His plan for our family clear to us. But so different from what we were expecting. This has been a time of grieving loss as well as counting blessings. And always clinging to our Savior as the One who orders our lives and has ordained all our days.

Let me share our first trip with you and the twists and turns of the Journey:

It was a really difficult trip and I am still reeling from the exhaustion—more emotional than physical. When we got to Russia and met with the MOE (Ministry of Education), Orphanage Director and the caregivers and nurses at the orphanage, they all urged us to not adopt Joshua. They told us that in the last few months he had developed some very troubling behaviors and they were very concerned that he would not be a good fit with our family. Last month he began taking an anti-psychotic medication. This was like a kick in the gut and we felt like everyone was “against” him.

Of course we got Joshua’s official referral and we had 5 visits with him. The first two visits were hard, as Joshua really did not want to be there. He was moving constantly, refused any physical contact, did not speak and lacked any show of emotion. He did enjoy the toys we brought. We figured that he was shy and scared and that he was feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, we gave him space and grace and as much love and attention as he would accept. Visits 3 & 4 seemed to be going much better. Joshua would sit with us for a couple of seconds before moving on. He was allowing us to pick him up briefly to reach for toys on a shelf, and we taught him to “high-five” with us. He still was not showing much emotion, and we only saw a hint of a smile here and there. We figured that most of his “issues”were caused by lack of stimulation, boredom, lack of instruction in proper behavior.

Then visit 5 happened. At first things seemed to be OK as we were outside playing with his groupa, and then Joshua had a psychotic episode where he became very violent toward me. After spending hours with him and seeing no emotion, It was shocking to see his full out laughter as he tried to hurt me. Oksana (our adoption facilitator), who was with us and witnessed the whole thing, said I turned white. I could feel myself shaking. It was like he was a completely different child. The caregivers told us that this was reality for him. I felt our hopes and dreams for him shattering. He is very big for his age, and very strong. Our daughter is very small and more vulnerable with her having Ds.

It was a very quiet ride back to our hotel as we each went over what happened in our minds and knew we had to make a decision that evening as we had just one day left in the country. Devastated does not even begin to describe how I felt (and still feel). We wept and prayed, and we both knew that we would not be able to bring Joshua home, as it would be putting our other young children in serious danger. I am beyond sad. We were prepared to deal with Joshua’s medical issues, but the mental health needs are far more than we feel equipped to handle. We spoke with Oksana (our in country facilitator) and late that evening and told her our decision that we would not be able to accept Joshua’s referral. She was relieved to hear that and agreed to make arrangements for us to go to the MOE in the morning for a new referral.

It was hard to go back for another referral with our hearts breaking so much, but we knew that we still wanted to adopt, and that there are so many children with medical needs that desperately need families. This time, the choice of the referral was from the MOE, and the Director of the Orphanage gave approval of the child for adoption.

So, the Blessing in all this sadness is that we have accepted the referral for TWO little ones who are have the same medical needs as Joshua and who also desperately need to find a forever family. Baby Girl is 18 months old, and Baby Boy is 21 months old. We are still working on the names. Strangely enough, both babies look like my husband, Tim. I am still feeling incredible sadness and guilt—I will always love Joshua. But we know that we made the necessary decision for our family. And there are two sweet babies who will be orphans no more. Please keep us in our prayers as we grieve Joshua and rejoice in our Babies. And please joins us as we continue to pray for Joshua and for a family to step forward who will be equipped to meet all of his needs.


This journey has been tough, and we still have a long road ahead of us as we will be making two more trips to the country where our children are waiting. Our next step is to gather the papers that need to be submitted for court. And we continue to pray and let God heal our hearts, as he also heals my body from the surgery.

And we continue to put our trust in God's provision for the expenses that are still needed to complete this adoption. We will need about $20,000 more, in addition to what we have already raised and paid ourselves. The additional child fee is about $10,000, and each trip to the country will be about $5,000. If you feel led to help out with the financial aspect of our adoption, we would be so very thankful to have you fight with us for the lives of these precious orphans!